I can’t speak for all foster moms. Everyone’s Mother’s Day is different. Some are relaxed, some are busy, some are heartbreaking, and some are empty. My Mother’s Day usually weighs on the side of empty and that can often times be heartbreaking and so I’ll try to keep myself busy…or relaxed. So basically my Mother’s Day has always been mutt.

In case you don’t know my story, dear reader, I’ll quickly debrief you.

I was diagnosed stage 4 endometriosis in 2009. I also have PCOS. This is a terrible combination for any woman who wants to have kids someday. We’ve done treatments and IVFs, and they were either unsuccessful or ended in miscarriage. We have one embryo left, and I’m terrified to go through the IVF journey again. But we want to give that last embryo a chance. I’m 35 years old, and my “biological clock is ticking” (an expression that is like nails on a chalkboard to me), so giving this little one a chance will have to come before I’m ready.

This is the first time we’ve had a placement on Mother’s Day, and like all every other year, it is a mutt of emotions. I’ve been apprehensive to call it Mother’s Days, and to tell you the truth, I’ve DREADING getting crafts from their daycare that they’ve made for me. Not because I don’t want them, but because I don’t want to hear “She’s not my mother”. While this is a fact I’m fully aware of, I’m unsure what effect it would have on me today. It could tear me to pieces as it would be a reminder that I’m not anyone’s mother on Mother’s Day. Or I could fine hearing that and go about my day getting a little spoiled anyways. Not knowing how I’m going to feel is what makes me not want to celebrate today at all.

But Michael has done a great job explaining that this day is a day to celebrate the women who take care of us, which is me at this point in their life. So the boys haven’t said anything so far, and they were both very excited to give me presents this morning.

And then I’m reminded of their mother and wonder what kind of day she is having today. I would imagine that she’s broken, however it’s hard to tell considering she hasn’t asked to speak to them. “Abu” had his birthday recently and she hadn’t asked to speak to him on his birthday either. The boys’ caseworker will 100% allow communication on special days such as these if she requests them. So why doesn’t she?

I think, overall, Mother’s Day is a mutt. There are a variety of emotions happening today that go along with everyone’s personal journey. But I’m very thankful to have the people I have in my life right now, including the boys. A friend of mine texted me to say Happy Mother’s Day. She’s goes on to say that being a mom is not just giving birth. That is the easy part. What comes after is the hard part, and that’s what I’m doing right now for these boys. So I’m going to let that marinate my day and know that I’m a mother to these boys right now because they need me.