It’s Saturday. I’m grateful for these quiet times to be able to write to you, dear reader, whoever you are.

The desire to write has consumed me the past few weeks. I’ve been picturing myself sitting at a sidewalk table in New Orleans with a cafe au lait and my fingers traveling through the keys of my laptop, telling the stories I’ve been listening to in my head as I savor the city that surrounds me. This concept as turned into a craving, one that I’ll have to satisfy sooner or later. Until then, I’ll sit on my bed and type while the little one sleeps.

New Orleans is my hometown, and we were lucky enough to bring the boys there one weekend during Mardi Gras season with my family. They learned how to eat beignets (Hold your breath when you take a bite…and don’t even think about coughing, sneezing, or laughing), and they learned how to protect their face from incoming beads during the parade. I hope their experience there will be fond memories for later in life.

We don’t know what the future holds for these two little monkeys. The goal is still to give them back to their mother, which lends out so many emotions that I can’t keep up with. Sometimes I feel like I’m just trying to survive by not thinking about it too much. But then there are days when knowing we’ll give them back overwhelms me, and I can’t take it.

It may sound strange, but most of the time I wish they would want to be with her than with us. Sometimes I wish they would say, “I want my mommy” or “Can I see Mommy?” because at least then the notion of giving them back to her would be easier if I knew that’s what they wanted. But they don’t ask for her. They don’t ask about her. There have been times when we tell them they are going to visit Mom, and their response is “Why?”. It hurts my heart for them. It hurts my heart for her.

But then I take in the fact that they are happy right now. Whatever their future holds or whatever path they go down, I hope it’s a happiness they remember for the rest of their lives. Most of all, I hope they are happier when they leave.